


pudgy

by toadfrog



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: CRYING. LOTS OF CRYING., Comfort, Teen Problems, angsty? idk there’s kind of an ambiguous/happy ending, brief doyoung and taeyong and jaehyun lol, eating disorders :(, vomit mention but it’s for the ed stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24335296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toadfrog/pseuds/toadfrog
Summary: in which hyuck begins to develop an eating disorder, and mark just wants to help him.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Kudos: 59





	pudgy

**Author's Note:**

> hey! so i don’t remember if i mentioned in my last fic that i used to write on here in like 2018, but i did! i wrote this story around that time on a car ride home at like 11 pm. fun times. anyways, i’ve uploaded this before, but i doubt any of you will know. enjoy!

donghyuck has been sitting in his room for god knows how long. he looks around the room until his eyes meet the digital clock placed on the nightstand.

12:15 am.

donghyuck now knows how long he’s been sitting here, waiting for jaehyun to come to their room. a whole whopping 45 minutes. the boys had finished playing around after dinner, which donghyuck had gladly indulged in, to return to their room.

now he regrets eating dinner.

he had steadily noticed how much weight he had been gaining, sadly. some comments from their stylists ranging from, “donghyuck, your cheeks are so cute!” to, “donghyuck, shall we try another diet? nothing seems to be working.”

he tried, he really had, to not let anything get to him. but he’s found out, when you’re a teenage idol and there are crazy ass expectations, you don’t get to enjoy yourself. at least, as not as much as you hope, and when donghyuck really thinks about it- there’s nobody really there to help. he has his members that he loves with his whole heart, but there’s no sympathy unless they really notice.

it finally dawns on the teenager, the feeling of sadness, something that had found a home in him. he lays down on the bed and stares at the ceiling, beginning to feel the warmth and familiar feeling of tears in his eyes. he tightens his hold on his sweatshirt sleeves and curls together between the blankets, breaking into tears. they come slow at first, like the beginning of a shower from the sky, and then he notices the speed increase.

he thinks he’s helpless.

donghyuck is not stupid. he reads the comments he finds, the tweets “fans” put out calling him fat. they feed the feeling of his whole problem without them knowing. he wonders if it ever really sets into them that’s he truly a kid. a kid enjoying what he loves doing, what he’s good at. 

suddenly, he’s ugly crying into his blankets. full sobs, his mouth gaining the shape of a rectangle, murmuring insults.  _ fat, ugly, worthless, annoying, girly  _ all coming out in broken letters and unintelligible fragments. he’s trying to get the other boys to notice him, his body too worked up to remove himself from the bed. it hurts, but donghyuck promises himself he’ll change for the people who “love” him.

maybe one day, people will see him as the cute maknae like they see jisung. hopefully, they’ll appreciate the smile he puts on to hide from the silly insults that do hit close to home, the confused look on his face whenever mark speaks english that he covers with a cute accent, or his snarky remarks used to linger the conversation away from the insult. 

donghyuck wants to be loved.

donghyuck wants to stop chasing after mark lee, the man who probably thinks he’s annoying as fuck and fat as hell, yet somehow is always there for him. he’s said  _ fuck that boy  _ once too many times, but realizes it never works, and that just makes him even sadder. they’re best friends; connected at the hip, ask anyone, but donghyuck wants more. he wants to be loved, and sure as hell not by some straight male who probably thinks liking boys is a freakish thing.

donghyuck does not like the comfort of his own bed. 

so, he gets up, wobbly and shoulders bouncing while tears stream down his face, and moves to the shower. before he starts the shower though, he holds on to the ledge outside of it and sobs. he just  _ cries  _ and shakes and lets it all out.

then he runs the shower.

he removes himself of his clothes and stands at the mirror, poking and prodding at his stomach fat.  _ “haechannie baby, we love you for you! please eat ㅜㅜ” _

_ “haechan, you’re our golden maknae. eat! ㅜㅜ” _

_ they’re lying,  _ he thinks.  _ all the comments that say they love me are just doing it so i don’t ruin my groups visuals, but it’s not like i don’t anyway. _

he steps into the shower and realizes that it burns, but he has dedication. dedication to be the handsome, mature, man-like maknae people probably wish he was. he’s  _ been  _ trying is the thing, though. so he moves on to the next best thing. he turns the water hot, mixing with the warmth of dry, hot tears on his face, and it turns his skin bright pink.

_ nobody will notice. _

_ this will make them love me. _

_ i will be the perfect kid everyone wants me to be. _

but that doesn’t help him. he can  _ feel  _ the tears gather again, and hyuck can feel himself lose his balance. he crumbles to the floor of the shower, taking in the burning heat until he turns the knob to something cooler. it’s all too much for him, resting his arms on his knees and sobbing into the sounds of the water. 

“i’m so fat,” he whispers. donghyuck releases his head from his arms and leans back, crying into the air. his only wish is for someone to notice, given he’s probably been up in the room for an hour or so. 

maybe he sits there for a good fifteen minutes before there’s a knock and a, “donghyuck!”

_ great, it’s probably someone saying i need to get out so they can use it. _ he thinks.

“just a minute, please,” and then the door is opened. mark is busting in with a towel that he immediately wraps around the boy and shuts off the shower.

“oh my god, are you okay?” donghyuck is speechless. he had been in his room alone for the past hour and fifteen minutes thinking nobody would come to him, and now here is mark fucking lee worrying about him. he shoos him off to wait for a minute so he can get dressed.

hyuck walks to his bed in one of mark’s hoodies and shorts. he crawls next to the other boy and rests against his chest while mark lets him lay there. there’s a long silence, and donghyuck enjoys it; he can hear mark’s breathing and his heartbeat.

“please tell me what’s happening. i saw the tear stains on your bed when i came up to check on you. i care about you donghyuck, i want to know what’s happening.”

he takes a deep, unstable breath. he wants to tell mark  _ everything.  _ all the comments, the words, the jokes - he wants mark to know everything. his lip begins to tremble, and for the third time that night, he’s crying again. mark is rubbing his back in soothing circles, edging the younger to tell him what needs to be said.

“i’m s-so fat, mark. i have  _ so  _ much weight on me as, as an idol. i see all of the comments and i-“ he stops abruptly, crying into mark’s chest.  _ this is why i’m so in love with him,  _ he thinks. 

“donghyuck, you are not fat. please understand that. the stylists- they have to keep up with everything we do because we are idols, but you are also a teenager. you go through this.”

“no, mark, i’m a fucking disgrace. i’m so, so ugly.” hyuck sniffs through words, positioning himself to sit up to face the other boy. he looks him straight in the eyes and shakes his head. “i read the comments our fans put out there. i read the english tweets johnny tells us to ignore. i hate it. they all, they all attack  _ me.  _ mark, you’re so perfect and everyone adores you but i’m so fat and useless and i have no meaning in this group.”

mark laughs. 

“what’s so fucking funny, mark? i put the shower all the way to the hottest temperature so you all would think i’m perfect.” he asks. mark just laughs again, taking hyucks cheeks into his hands.

“donghyuck, you are perfect. you are perfect to all of us! in 127, as your elders, we love you. yes, we clown you, but it’s because we care. i love you, donghyuck.”

_ i love you, donghyuck. _

the younger walks off of the bed and as he stomps out, mumbles the words, “no you don’t,” loud enough for mark to hear.

he sleeps next to taeyong that night.

-

it’s been three days since the bedroom incident. donghyuck hasn't looked at mark and definitely hasn’t made conversation. 

_ i love you, donghyuck. _

he’s not dumb, as stated before. he’s not a child in the mind and he knows mark doesn’t love him. he’s knows it was all in the heat of the moment where he saw his best friend hurt, crying, wishing for someone to help him. he  _ knows  _ it was for show.

but mark doesn’t know that donghyuck hasn’t eaten in a while. he doesn’t really know when he stopped, but he thinks his other members haven’t caught onto it. 

“haechan! come over here, we’re making our lunch. wanna help?” taeyong asks, pointing a spoon at jaehyun and johnny who must be helping him. hyuck shrugs. 

“i’m not really in the mood, sorry,” he looks around, the rest of his members nowhere to be seen. “but um, do you guys know where literally anyone else is? i can't find anyone.”

“yeah, check our room. i think i heard someone in there earlier!” jaehyun replies. donghyuck nods them off and walks to his shared room to be greeted by doyoung.

“hey, hyuck,” the younger just stares at doyoung in a  _ please get out  _ way until he understands. seeing it click, doyoung signals the other to sit next to him. “can we talk?”

fuck.

_ did he find out? does he really know already? holy shit, what if i get in trouble?  _ he wonders, thoughts flooding his mind immediately.

“it’s nothing serious. well, maybe. if it’s important to you,” he reassured him. “it’s about mark.”

_ of course it is. _

hyuck tenses up and straightens, prepared for whatever is about to hit him. “he said he was worried about you guys not talking? i don’t know, mark told me you guys had a conversation and you left it on a bad note. i’m just here to tell you to make it up to him and apologize, because it seems like a civil thing to do.”

_ oh, if only you knew. _

“doyoung i, i actually wanna tell you why.” doyoung repositions himself from where he was sitting before, to join the boy on his bed.

“you can tell me anything, hyuck.”

and so the two talk about his whole breakdown, donghyuck feeling safe and reassured.

for now.

-

donghyuck is resting on his phone in his room after skipping breakfast yet again. he’s fallen into a routine: skip, eat, throw up, rest, just to make the other members not too worried. he sees himself losing weight, but it’s just not  _ enough  _ for him.

he’s tried everything; skip meals, throw it up, anything he’s seen he’s written down and done, yet there are still comments coming in about his weight. what he doesn’t realize, though, is that they’re comments concerned about his rapid loss of it.

_ “haechan baby, your cheeks are losing their fullness…” _

_ “why is my fullsun not healthy?! ㅜㅜ” _

_ “do any other members notice this!!!??” _

he’s beginning to feel uneasy and nauseous when there’s a knock on the door. he’s hesitant, for the sake of hoping it’s not mark.

of course it’s mark.

“donghyuck, we really need to talk.” he’s worried, he can tell.  _ but i don’t wanna talk to you, i wanna cry over you. _

mark walks in more and turns to face the boy.

“i know you told me about how you were feeling fat and everything, and i really really  _ really  _ just want you to understand that you aren’t.”

donghyuck sighs. “when will you learn that i don’t care about your words?”  _ ouch.  _ the words hit mark like a punch to the face, and hyuck can tell he looks pretty take aback. 

“i’m sorry, what?” 

“i know you only talked to me because you saw me crying,” donghyuck says, softer and smaller.

“of course that’s why i talked to you. you were hurting, hell, you  _ are  _ hurting. i wanna help you. i want you to know i’m here for you and-“

“do you not understand that just “being here for me” isn’t enough?” hyuck exclaims. “i’m over here practically killing myself because i wanna look good! i want to be a good fucking idol who doesn’t receive hate for their looks. i fucking hate this, you know. i’ve thrown up every snack i’ve eaten in the past, fucking, three days. i’ve skipped too many meals, and i’ve sat around and-“ the younger abruptly stops, feeling the tears well in his eyes yet again.

mark hugs donghyuck, tightly, and lets the tears fall. 

“i just… i just want people to love me for... being myself not for my body.” he says, muffled, into the boy’s shirt. 

“donghyuck, i love you. i want you to get help. i want you to understand what i’m saying to you should be something you remember whenever you feel like doing what you have been doing again. i love you.”

hyuck sniffs and rubs his hands over his eyes like a child, smiling at mark.

“i feel like you really mean it this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, babes! my writing has really downgraded since when i wrote this, so i’m on my way to getting as good as i was then, so bare with me!


End file.
